God Bless Our Children
She doesn't know it yet, but she saved me. My daughter, Nala that is.
They say when your children are the age you first experienced hurt, a pandora's box of emotions takes over a mother's heart. That's what happened to me.
Studies show that developmentally sensitive periods in your own life often resurface when your child reaches that same age. This is because the brain stores memories not just as events but with emotional imprints. Dr. Gabor Maté, an expert in trauma and childhood development, discusses this in The Myth of Normal. He explains that unresolved trauma can be subconsciously reignited when a child mirrors an age of past difficulty, often leading to deep emotional responses or anxiety in parents.
When I was pregnant with Nala something came over me. My body, mind & soul changed entirely. My priorities changed. Everything changed. Trauma was almost forcing itself out of my gut, I could physically feel it. It felt uncontrollable, my mind & body could not refuse what was happening.
The amygdala, the brain’s emotional processing center, encodes fear and trauma in a way that isn’t always conscious. When your child is the same age you were during a painful event, the mirror neurons in your brain recognize familiar patterns, reactivating stored emotions. This can result in feeling overly protective, anxious, or even triggered by situations that may seem unrelated on the surface.
Have you ever felt something like that? Congrats, your body is letting you know it's time to face the music. *joyyyyy*
Time to do a serious check in, mama
First it's important to do some self-reflection as a parent. Why do you parent the way you parent? Are you a good parent or can you be better? Seriously. What are your strengths and what are your weaknesses. Why are you the way that you are as a parent? Understanding your why in anything, both the good & the bad, is crucial.
I bring this up because Dr. Daniel Siegel, a leading child psychiatrist, talks about this in Parenting from the Inside Out, explaining how our own childhood experiences shape how we react as parents. Maybe you are an AMAZING parent because you came from a shitty situation as a child & you promised yourself at a young age you'd never be like them. Or maybe you find yourself falling into generational behaviours because that's all you know & have been conditioned to believe is acceptable & enough.
The concept of reparenting suggests that as parents, we unconsciously relive parts of our own childhood through our kids. When your child reaches the age when you experienced a significant trauma, it can stir up unresolved emotions.
Research from Dr. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth (Attachment Theory) suggests that our own childhood attachments—secure, anxious, avoidant—shape our parenting instincts. When a child reaches the same age where a parent experienced neglect, abandonment, or hardship, there’s a natural tendency to overcompensate or become hypervigilant, sometimes without realizing it.
Dig deep. Who are you as a parent? What type of parent are you? How would you see yourself if you were a child?
We have another chance. It's our turn & this time we are in the driver's seat.
it's time to heal
I have good news & bad news.
Good news, it's time to heal. Bad news, it's time to heal.
Healing as a parent while navigating memory triggers is tough—but it’s also an opportunity. When these emotions resurface as your kids reach the age of your own childhood trauma, it’s your brain’s way of saying, Hey, we still have some work to do here. The beautiful part? You get to do that work while showing up as the parent you needed back then.
Here is a candid picture of me "doing the work." Hesitant at first, I dove right in doing breath work at a HPLT Event I was speaking at in Miami. I was in awe of the work. I bawled my eyes out hugging that little girl during our session.
Here’s how to approach healing in real-time while raising young kids:
1. Recognize the Trigger & Separate Past from Present When your child’s age stirs something painful, pause and ask: “Am I reacting to my child’s reality or to my own past?” Example: If you felt unheard as a child, you might get really upset when your kid doesn’t listen—not because they’re ignoring you, but because it echoes a deeper wound. Recognizing this is the first step to shifting your response.
2. Practice Inner Reparenting Reparenting is about giving yourself the love, security, and validation you didn’t get as a child—while giving it to your own kids. When you feel triggered, ask: What would I have needed at this age? I pause & think of this ALL THE TIME. I'm only human and will get frustrated.. but then I think to myself- what would I need as a child? Or, what scared me as a child? Then, give that to both yourself and your child. Example: If you were shamed for having big emotions, and now your child is having a meltdown, instead of shutting it down, you comfort them—and in doing so, you also comfort your inner child. For me, I can still hear the yelling as a young girl. So now, we always so in our family "this is a no yelling household."
3. Notice the Patterns in Your Parenting Reactions Do certain situations with your kids make you feel unexpectedly angry, anxious, or overwhelmed? Patterns often point to past wounds. If neglect was part of your childhood, you might overcompensate by over-involving yourself in your child’s life. If you had controlling parents, you might struggle with setting boundaries, fearing you’ll repeat their mistakes. Understanding these patterns helps you choose how to respond, rather than reacting from a place of old pain.
4. Learn to Self-Soothe & Regulate in the Moment When you feel triggered, focus on grounding techniques to bring yourself back to this moment, rather than slipping into the past. Box breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4. Physical grounding: Press your feet into the floor, touch something cold, remind yourself: I am safe. My child is safe. This is not then. This is now. Mantras: I am breaking cycles. My child is not me. I can do this differently.
5. Seek Support & Talk About It Trauma thrives in isolation. Talk to someone—a friend, a therapist, or even your partner—about what’s coming up. Therapy isn’t just for crisis moments. Trauma-informed approaches (like EMDR, somatic therapy, or IFS—Internal Family Systems) help reprocess painful experiences. If therapy isn’t an option, journaling or voice-memoing your thoughts can help release emotions.
What has helped me personally is talking about it. I was conditioned to not speak of family issues, so I always felt alone, like no one else was going through what I was going through or felt. Now, as a mother of 3 (who no longer gives a fuck & has learned what the word gaslighting & manipultaion means), opens the door in conversations. In doing so I have learned alot of people share a similar story or situation. It has oddly given me comfort to know.. I'm actually not alone at all.
6. Use Your Triggers as a Map for Healing Every time a tough moment comes up, instead of seeing it as proof you’re failing, see it as a roadmap. Example: If a specific age brings up fear or sadness, that’s a clue—maybe that’s the age you need to go back and comfort in yourself. Having the awareness of what your triggers are, and sharing them with your partner, is an excellence defensive skill to have. It's protecting your peace!!
7. Give Yourself Grace (Parenting Is a Long Game) You will have moments when your past sneaks up and you don’t react how you wish you did. That’s okay. The fact that you notice is already progress. Apologizing to your kids when you misstep teaches them that emotions are normal and repair is part of relationships.
8. See Your Kids as Your Greatest Teachers Your children don’t mean to trigger you—but in some ways, they’re unknowingly holding up a mirror, giving you a second chance to process, heal, and grow. Instead of seeing triggers as setbacks, see them as invitations: You get to write a new story, right now.
And when all else fails...
Do mushrooms. Go on a journey. I hear it's the best trauma therapy & way less expensive *kidding but not kidding*
